I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
vagina is talking i cant
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
