Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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