I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
