she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
