i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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