Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
