i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
