my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
