This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Randomize
