you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
