make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
