Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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