i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
