why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
