if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
