She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
