Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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