I must be too annoying 4 u.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
