When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
