i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
