I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
