I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
