tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
