i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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