she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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