we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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