i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
