On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
