I am puke
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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