plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
