I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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