I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
