my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
