I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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