No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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