After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
