i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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