I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
