my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
