Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
