The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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