someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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