I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
