seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
