i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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