How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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