3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
