she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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