he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
