Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
