Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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