Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
