I just pynch a tree in the face
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
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