Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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